Sabrina The Teenage Witch

TONY ESPINO SABRINA V1.1 ORIGINAL DRAFT 10/14/15

EXT. WOODS – DAY

OTTO and ELROY are walking through the woods when they spot
SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH.

OTTO
Look, Elroy. There she is!

ELROY
Stop right there, Sabrina The
Teenage Witch!

SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH
What do you two witch hunters want?

OTTO
We just want to talk.

ELROY
And paint the forest with your
blood.

OTTO
That was a good one.

ELROY
Thanks. I was real in the moment.

SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH
Well, if I just surrender will you
guys take it easy on me?

Otto and Elroy look at each other than back at Sabrina.

OTTO
Sure, we’ll take it easy on you.

ELROY
(mischievously)
Yeah, Sabrina. We’ll take it easy
on you.

SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH
OK. Well then I surrender. Hoogidty
Boogidty.

She puts her arms up.

Otto and Elroy try to walk towards her but bump into a wall.

ELROY
Hey, what is this?

OTTO
It looks like a giant wall…of
dicks.

Elroy begins examining it.

ELROY
Yo, Sabrina The Teenage Witch! Did
you put this giant wall of dicks
here?

SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH
I sure did. There’s more human
dicks in that wall than there is in
other walls.

OTTO
Maybe we can climb it.

SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH
You can’t climb it.

ELROY
Can we go around it?

SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH
Can’t go around it.

OTTO
So then…

SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH
Gotta go through it. Hope your
hungry. I’m going to go do witch
stuff now.

Sabrina walks off.

ELROY
Dammit! She got away again.

OTTO
Maybe not. Maybe if we can
just…nosh on some dicks real
quick we can catch her.

ELROY
OK.

OTTO
I’ll go first. Just going to grab a
stray dick from this wall.

Otto grabs a stray dick from the wall and tries to eat it.
Oddly he begins to struggle at the task of consuming it.

ELROY
This is fun.

OTTO
This sucks. Eating dicks is hard.

ELROY
I bet it’s easier if we feed each
other.

OTTO
Good idea.

They each grab a dick and begin feeding each other.

OTTO (CONT’D)
Say ‘Ahhh’.

ELROY
Ahhhhhhh….

OTTO
I’m just going to shove this dick
from the wall in your mouth now.

ELROY
Cool.

Otto shoves it in Elroy’s mouth.

OTTO
Way to go.

ELROY
I’m going to slide mine into your
mouth more gently.

OTTO
Thanks.

Elroy slides it in Otto’s mouth.

ELROY
We’re like birds.

OTTO
We should learn how to fly.

ELROY
Hey, do you feel weird?

OTTO
Like we should do gay sex weird?

ELROY
No. Like we’re melting.

OTTO
Oh yeah. THAT.

ELROY
I think we’re tripping right now.

OTTO
No dude. Everything’s fine. See? My
wings are still where they’ve
always been.

ELROY
Your wings are so huge!

OTTO
Fuck you! Thanks.

ELROY
Hallucinating sucks!

OTTO
Let’s never eat dicks again.

They look at the wall.

ELROY
Check it out! A giant wall of
dicks.

They grab dicks and start feeding each other.

ELROY (CONT’D)
So many dicks. Only two mouths.

OTTO
We’ll never catch Sabrina.

ELROY
Well…I’m sure we’ll catch
something.

BLACKOUT.