Unthinkable Cramps | Ria and Cat

Ria sleeps as though dead in her dinosaur onesie. A cat with old, gray fur prances into her yurt and scratches at the straw mat. It awakens Ria from extinction.
Ria: When did we get cats? This place is turning into a real circus.
Ria sneezes as the cat rubs against her face. She reaches for a box of tissues and when she turns back around the cat’s on top of her desk. Ria is about to yell at the cat to get down when she catches the reflection in the mirror behind it.
Ria: I don’t know if I’m seeing things because I haven’t eaten in days. But that’s like a twenty dollar hair clip.
The cat’s reflection isn’t all fur and four legs as is typical of cat reflections. Rather a mix of two women. The human kind. Sisters. Twins even. Who look identical. Except one’s wearing a fancy hair clip. They also happen to be joined at the hip.
Twin 1: I know right? I got this at the flea market for six dollars even though —
Twin 2: They wanted nine. But she thinks she got a discount because —
Twin 1: I told the guy how cute I thought he was in his cowboy hat —
Twin 2: Even though I’m the one attracted to men and I would never date someone —
Twin 1: That sells nine dollar hair clips. If she’s gonna spend nine dollars it’s gonna —
Twin 2: Be on something useful.
The second twin swings open a butterfly knife from somewhere.
Twin 2: Like this thing here that I held up to that cowboy’s throat. And that’s how we really —
Twin 1: Got a discount.
Ria: So…you two are related huh?
Twin 1: We’re almost the same person.
Twin 2: But we’re not.
Twin 1: I’m Disgusting.
Twin 2: I’m Mutant.
Ria: Come on. Don’t be so hard on yourselves.
Disgusting: Those are our names.
Ria: I guess your parents didn’t care much about your self-esteem.
Mutant: What makes you say that?
Disgusting: She’s being sarcastic.
Mutant: I am.
Disgusting: But…anyway we should go —
The Siamese twins whisper among themselves.
Mutant: What do you mean? We came all this way —
Disgusting: I can’t ask. She’s too nice. It’s embarrassing.
Mutant: Embarrassing? This — being a cat is embarrassing.
Disgusting: But she’s —
Mutant: Oh no. You think she’s —
Disgusting: She is.
Ria: Not to pry. But what am I exactly?
Mutant: She thinks —
Disgusting: No I don’t. Shut up.
Mutant: She thinks you’re pretty.
Disgusting: Do not.
Mutant: So I’ll ask. We need your help to get out of this cat body.
Ria blushes and fixes her hair.
Ria: Thank you. You really think I’m pretty? I’m just a girl in the woods working with monks and physicists to create a device to open an astral bridge to higher spiritual dimensions in our weird little ashram. I don’t even have makeup out here.
Disgusting: Don’t need it. You look so fabulous.
Ria: Oh gosh. I don’t even — that’s so sweet. I love your eyelashes. Are they fake?
Disgusting: These are my real lashes. Isn’t that crazy?
Ria: No way! They’re so beautiful.
Mutant waves her arms like she’s signaling a plane overhead.
Mutant: Hey! Over here. Can you rescue us or what?
Ria: Oh yeah. Not to be rude, but how did you end up inside a cat anyway?
Disgusting: It’s such a long story. Maybe we should talk about it over a candle lit dinner.
Mutant: Our dad thought he could make millions off of us as a sideshow act —
Disgusting: I don’t need to go anywhere fancy. We can pull up some logs.
Mutant: But when that failed he saw an opportunity in the world of cat food commercials.
Disgusting: Don’t worry. It’ll just be me and you. You won’t even know she’s there.
Mutant: So he bought an old spell book at an auction and stuck us in here for auditions.
Disgusting: You learn to tune her out after a while.
Mutant: Then he abandoned us when we didn’t get any roles. Because someone couldn’t pretend to like the taste of cat food.
Disgusting: That’s me. She’s talking about me. Cat food is gross. Don’t try to take me to a cat food restaurant.
Ria: Noted. I will not take you to a cat food restaurant.
Mutant: Good thing about being a cat is we were able to sniff out this trail of orange magick that led us into the woods.
Disgusting: But it was the smell of your electricity. Your energy field that brought me —
Mutant: Us.
Disgusting: To you.
Jerry The Monk barges in and Ria throws the box of tissues at the cat. She quickly apologizes as the cat darts past Jerry out of the yurt.
Jerry The Monk: When did we get cats? This place is turning into a real circus. Have you seen my purple thong? It was drying on the line last night and now —
Ria: Can you knock or what?
Jerry The Monk: I did knock. It was a monk knock. It was like soft and gentle.
Outside the yurt Scientific Sylvia waves a purple thong around.
Jerry The Monk: Hey, those are mine.
Scientific Sylvia: Oh yeah, Jerry? These are yours? What will you do for them?

*** ** *** **

For table of contents or to start from the beginning of Unthinkable Cramps click here, right here and nowhere else.

Published by tony espino

a human. for now.

2 thoughts on “Unthinkable Cramps | Ria and Cat

  1. “Twin 1: I’m Disgusting.
    Twin 2: I’m Mutant.
    Ria: Come on. Don’t be so hard on yourselves.
    Disgusting: Those are our names.”

    Made me burst out laughing! So good!

    And I love how one twin keeps narrating the backstory while the other holds a conversation with Ria.
    I think the monk ruined the chances of a date. And his silent monk knock is so funny and creative.
    I wonder what he’ll have to do for the purple thong…
    Great writing, Tony. 🙂

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