Unthinkable Cramps | Special Announcements!

Special Announcements!

PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! WE BEG YOU! KEEP YOUR CATS OUT OF THE CAT PARK IF THEY’RE AFRAID OF HEIGHTS! it’s the nice thing to do and we’ll tell you why. BECAUSE EVERYTHING IN THE CAT PARK IS FALLING INTO THE SKY! we don’t know why fun cat jungles made of rope are suddenly being sucked into the sky along with everything else in the cat park, but we do know our emergency rescue lines our flooded with calls. what kind of calls you ask? FROM CATS FLOATING MILES IN THE SKY SCREAMING FOR HELP! those are the kind of calls. we would love nothing more than to keep our lines open for actual emergencies like cesspool clowns appearing in your bathroom. which now would be a good time to remind everyone that Chuckles Septic is offering a 0% discount on new clownproof system installations. get yours today! cesspool clowns are not only devastating to your health but also lower property value by a significant margin. don’t delay contact Chuckles tomorrow! in the afternoon sometime, not right after lunch. we’re tired then. so maybe wait a bit. it’s hard to say when we’ll feel like working. we would like to thank our emergency rescue lines for sharing their ad space with us. everything is so expensive anymore we could. SORRY CHUCKLES! we need the rest of this space to remind everyone: DO NOT ROPE FLOATING CATS or USE SLINGSHOTS TO RETRIEVE A SOUVENIER! – with much frustration toward mankind, Unthinkable Cramps Emergency Rescue Lines and Chuckles Septic

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Hot deals on hermits! Hermit here! That’s me, a hermit. Take me home, name me, put me in your garden! All your dreams can come true today with a hermit! I’m waiting. Ready to go. Weather-resistant. I can stay in the shed all year, every season. I’m your hermit! I’m the one! Take me home! Impress your friends! I know it all. Let them ask away. I will be their book of knowledge. Their window into every philosophical realm they wish to fall into. No ear is too big or small for me to talk off. My mustache is phenomenal! I’m your dream hermit! Hermit here! Get your hermit! Beautify your garden with me. Say no to ugly gardens. Only lovely, sexy gardens with your new hermit. Show your status in town with me, your hermit. What’s above upper class? You. Once you take me, your new hermit, home to your private garden where I will live the rest of my days in seclusion. Afraid I might steal all the attention of your guests? Not to worry. I will leave my smart reading glasses on top of any open piece of esoteric literature I possess and your guests will know I exist, as I hide in a deep hole I dug for myself. It’s the perfect way to impress them by pretending to be humble and not wishing to brag about me, your hermit. Now get your hermit! Hermit here! Hot deals on hermits! No interest for 30 days! – The Wandering Hermit

** * **

There are claw marks on Sandy the bus driver’s face. Anyone who has any information about the claw marks on Sandy the bus driver’s face, please we urge you, keep it to yourself. The last thing we want is another boring story about goblins or whatever attacking Sandy the bus driver. We know someone out there will be tempted. But don’t do it. Don’t knock on our door in the middle of the night and tell us you have a dark secret that you want to confess and then proceed to bore us with all the details of how you lured Sandy the bus driver to the Maybe Murder Motel and “accidentally” threw lizards at her face for an hour because you didn’t know how to say “thanks” for letting you ride the bus for free when your car exploded in the driveway during an electrical storm and you had to get across town in a hurry to tell the cute checkout girl at the deli a joke you just thought of. If we had a donut for all the times we were supposed to take action whenever someone stopped us on the street to blab about the endless horrors and atrocities they committed on Sandy the bus driver, we’d have very high cholesterol. And we don’t. We really don’t. But let’s say we did. Just for the sake of argument. Not saying we do. We don’t. But like if we do have high cholesterol it’s not from the donuts. Sometimes it just happens. And also doctors lie. That’s what we meant to say. Doctors lie. Sandy the bus driver lies too. She probably put those claw marks there herself. Or she did something to deserve them. So we thank you in advance for keeping this information to yourself. Also don’t forget to donate a portion of each paycheck to us. Think of us as a more violent Catholic Church. – Protecting and Serving, The Invisible Police

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For table of contents or to start from the beginning of Unthinkable Cramps click here, right here and nowhere else.

Published by tony espino

a human. for now.

3 thoughts on “Unthinkable Cramps | Special Announcements!

  1. My favorite lines – They cracked me up!

    “in the afternoon sometime, not right after lunch. we’re tired then. so maybe wait a bit. it’s hard to say when we’ll feel like working.”

    “Afraid I might steal all the attention of your guests? Not to worry. I will leave my smart reading glasses on top of any open piece of esoteric literature I possess and your guests will know I exist…”

    “Don’t knock on our door in the middle of the night and tell us you have a dark secret that you want to confess and then proceed to bore us with all the details of how you lured Sandy the bus driver to the Maybe Murder Motel and “accidentally” threw lizards at her face for an hour…”

    “If we had a donut for all the times we were supposed to take action whenever someone stopped us on the street to blab about the endless horrors and atrocities they committed on Sandy the bus driver, we’d have very high cholesterol…”

    Fun! Creative! Wild! An overload of imagination!
    Great writing, Tony. 🙂

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