The pot of mac and cheese sits on the kitchen floor being stirred with a foot. The white demon snaps the waist band of his rainbow tighty whities and flicks the pot across the room with one of his crutches. The pot smacks George in the head as he sits at the table reading a massive book titled: Dodging Death, The Art of Living.
Diane lounges across from him with her feet on the table. She blows out a puff of cigar smoke and shouts, “Dinner’s ready!”
Lady Griddlebone marches into the kitchen mumbling to herself. She thinks about how much better life was when her parents forgot about her. Back when there were still doors on the house.
Lady Griddlebone: Gross. What is that thing?
George: That’s a demon.
Diane: Demons have names. His name is Larry.
Lady Griddlebone: Is that like George’s replacement since he’s whatever?
George: I know it’s been a while, but you can still call me dad.
Diane: George, she’s not a kid anymore. She’s—how old are you? It doesn’t matter. Larry is not replacing anybody. He came through the portal —
George: The one I told you not to buy.
Diane: Because we didn’t have room for it not because of demons.
George: It doesn’t matter. Should’ve known a deal like that was too good to be true.
Diane: Now you’re gonna complain about a demon in the house. It’s impossible to make you happy.
Lady Griddlebone: Can you make it go away before ya know…
George: Ohhhh. Before your lady friend comes over?
Lady Griddlebone: Yo dude, you can go back in your portal now.
George: You know you can date whoever you want. And maybe I’m old fashioned thinking you should date someone more traditional…
Lady Griddlebone: Mom? Can you…
Diane: George, don’t upset her. We’re trying to have a nice dinner.
George: How come you call her mom?
Larry sits on the hot stove with his hand down his underpants, scratching.
Larry: It’s so nice here in this, what I call, non demon world. Daughter Griddlebone has fancy essential oils I use on my sores.
Lady Griddlebone: Ew! Stay outta my room! Can I please have my doors back now? Seriously. What the hell, George!?
Larry: My essence belongs to the beauty of this human realm for the foreseeable future. I promise to bring an abundance of joy and good fortune to your domicile.
Lady Griddlebone: No one even wants that.
George: It might be nice to have that in my dying days. This process has made me very wise I’ve noticed. See living is an art…and…and…
George flips through the book.
Diane: Lady Griddlebone, I’m gonna need you to take Larry for a walk after dinner. Show him around.
Lady Griddlebone: I didn’t even want a demon.
Heavy footsteps walk through the opening in the front of the house where a door would go. The way she moves her legs with such grace you can’t tell they’re made of steel. At first George and Diane see only her prosthetic skin that appears so life-like stretched across her bionic limbs as she enters the kitchen. But there’s something about her face. Cloudy and indecipherable, lacking in details.
Lady Griddlebone: Mom, can you not blow cigar smoke in Special Agent Cuddle Extractor’s face?
Lady Griddlebone waves the smoke away to reveal the face of an unblinking teen android.
Diane: Here sit down. You’re so cute. Let me get you two some plates.
Diane scoops the mac and cheese off the floor onto two plates.
Diane: Here you two love birds go. It’s Lady Griddlebone’s favorite.
George: I used to make it for her all the time when she was little. I bet you were never little were you Special Agent Puddle Rot?
Lady Griddlebone: That’s not her name.
George: What’s your model number, droid lady?
Diane: Leave the children alone, George.
George: Did she even read the reviews or search for any recalls?
Special Agent Cuddle Extractor: I have no known recalls. My existence is sheer perfection. I’m flawless in every way. An accumulation of such factors are the reason Lady Griddlebone experiences the sensation perceived as love when thoughts of my machinery are generated by her brain cells.
Lady Griddlebone reaches for her hand under the table. Special Agent Cuddle Extractor closes her fingers around Lady Griddlebone’s hand one finger at a time.
Larry: Eat up, kids. Cousin Larry made it just for you. I didn’t put my foot in it.
Lady Griddlebone: Please make that thing go away.
Larry: We’re all friends here, Lady Bones.
Larry hobbles to the table on crutches. He reaches in his underwear and pulls out a joint. He motions for Diane’s cigar.
Larry: Do you mind?
He lights the joint off the cigar and offers it to Lady Griddlebone.
Larry: A peace offering. And then we can shake our booties at the booty table.
George takes the joint from him.
George: We don’t do drugs in this house, Lar. And what’s this about you being in love, young lady?
Lady Griddlebone: Would you rather I just be sleeping around and not be in love?
Diane: I’m very proud of you, sweetie. Don’t sleep with the first person who pays attention to you just because they smell good. Because eventually they stop smelling good, and then you’re stuck trying to figure out how to get rid of them for thirty years. And it’s not easy. Starting over seems like so much work and we’re a lazy species. But the well-worn path of least resistance that we know can sometimes be just as beautiful as true love.
Diane closes her eyes and puffs her cigar several times. She opens her eyes and takes in George’s profile.
Diane: Nah I’m just kiddin’.
Larry bends over and shakes his booty in Lady Griddlebone’s face. He sings like a demon.
Larry: Shakin’ my booty at the booty table! Shakin’ my booty at the booty table! Booty table got the booties! Booty table got the booties!
George: You’re sleeping with this android thing? Explain to me how that even works.
Lady Griddlebone: This is so embarrassing I just want to die.
George: Don’t change the subject.
Larry slaps his butt as he continues to shake it.
Larry: Big demon booty! Big demon booty!
George: Diane, our daughter’s having sex and you’re not — you’re okay with this?
Diane: I was doing worse things when I was her age.
George: Please. Like what?
Diane: Spending time with you.
Larry sneezes and a swarm of locusts fly from his nose. They fly around the kitchen and land in the mac and cheese.
Lady Griddlebone: Gross! I’m not eating that now.
Diane: Well if you’re done eating take Larry out. Your friend will wait for you. Make sure you keep him out there long enough to use the bathroom.
Lady Griddlebone gets up and waits for Larry to grab his crutches.
Lady Griddlebone: What’s he even need those for?
Diane: He came through a portal. Would you give him a break?
Lady Griddlebone follows him outside.
In the kitchen Diane and Larry smoke the joint. George fiddles with some knobs on the back of Special Agent Cuddle Extractor.
George: Where the hell are the sex settings on this thing?
*** ** *** **
For table of contents or to start from the beginning of Unthinkable Cramps click here, right here and nowhere else.