This year’s harvesting party was a smashing success! We’d like to thank everyone that came out and showed your support to those kind souls. Unfortunately there was a little mishap (it happens) and someone, I won’t mention any names (Todd), spilled their basket of soul pods. We don’t like to make a big deal about these things (I don’t), but the folks driving down main street have themselves a new obstacle. You may notice a bushel of soul pods blocking traffic so be prepared to take alternate routes. We’re working to address the issue as promptly as possible. Right now as you read this soul pod crosswalks are being installed along main street. Some people(not me) think this is another strange Unthinkable Cramps art installation. But rest assured this a well thought out strategy conceived by whoever was willing to stay up until 3am drinking coffee in the cemetery. We ask for your patience with us and the soul pods while we work to gather them. If you have any questions about what I’m doing with my life or what my purpose is or more importantly about the soul pods, just stand on your roof and yell. I’ll come find ya. Sincerely, Linda from the newly formed Commission for Soul Pod Recovery and Redistribution
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BEWARE! We’ll let you know why later. – The Awareness Society
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Everyone please stay away from the abandoned haunted house that’s on fire. We know it’s hard to resist the temptation to try to chip away at the flames to see what they taste like. But just because they appear frozen doesn’t mean they are. I’ll tell you townsfolk what I tell my kids, “Don’t be a big goofball that ends up a melted goofball.” Nothing works right in Unthinkable Cramps. Burning houses are no exception. Time has frozen the flames in motion, but they’re still hot. Just ask Burnt Willie. He can’t respond though because his head is wrapped in three tons of gauze. We understand it has become a gathering spot for local teens and we love that. We’re here to help bring the community together. But we’re going to ask you to please use the plastic bags in the dispenser to catch any stray spirits. Use the plastic bags, tie them in a knot and dispose of them in the appropriate incinerator. Trying to catch them in your mouth or any other orifice is overwhelming Dr. Karate and his humble staff. Please follow these guidelines as we would hate to put out the fire. Let’s not let a few bad knuckleheads ruin it for all the good knuckleheads. – Unthinkable Cramps Parks & Recreation
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