Unthinkable Cramps | Ria.Jerry the Monk

It’s dark outside. The sky remains a dark blue. Ria runs through the woods trying to find the trail she lost. She picks it up and sees a familiar face sitting in the middle of the path. She recognizes the top of his bald head even in the dark. He still has 73 candles sticking out of it from his birthday celebration a week ago. 

Ria: Hey, Jerry. You handsome piece of shit. What are you doing?

Jerry the Monk: I’m using mind control.

As Ria approaches she notices Jerry’s focus is on a piece of cake sitting on the floor. She reaches into her pocket. Grabs a handful of something and shoves them in her mouth. 

Ria: Mind control? On a slice of cake?

Jerry the Monk: No. On myself. I’m trying not to eat it. 

Ria: Just eat the cake, Jerry. 

Jerry the Monk: I don’t know how to tell you this, Ria. But I’m fat.

Ria: No. No. You just have a working monk’s body. 

Jerry the Monk: That’s nice of you to say. This cake is the most tempting thing I’ve faced in years. 

Ria looks at the cake. Ants remove crumbs and march back to their colony. She pops another handful of something in her mouth and chews.

Ria: Jerry, that thing is covered in ants. 

Jerry the Monk: My mind control techniques failed to work on them. Please don’t think I didn’t try. They were too powerful. The ants. Not my mind control. 

Ria: It’s like what are they making ants out of nowadays? Ya know?

Jerry presses his finger into an ant. Its eyes fall from its head. Guts paint the cake. Tiny ant blood soaks into the dirt. Murder. 

Jerry the Monk: Looks like the same stuff they’ve always been made out of.

Ria: Whoa, Jer. Should you be doing harm? That’s not very Buddhist of you.

Ria laughs, reaches in her pocket and tosses something in her mouth. Jerry laughs like a monk.

Jerry the Monk: I know it’s none of my business, but are you eating drugs?

Ria: That’s a real bullshit question, Jerry. Do I look like a damn junkie to you? Just kidding. I do have junkie eyes. But no these aren’t drugs. They’re just magnets.

Jerry the Monk: They’re not sweet like cake are they?

Ria: Depends on your tastebuds. I read in Electromagnetic Telecommunications Weekly that by consuming mass quantities of magnets you can penetrate forcefields.

Jerry the Monk: That doesn’t cause terrible indigestion?

Ria: Nope. So far so —

Ria buckles over in pain and collapses next to Jerry. Jerry grabs her and lifts her head.

Jerry the Monk: Ria, are you okay?

Ria leans on Jerry’s shoulder and burps in his ear. Magnetic waves buried deep in Ria’s stomach travel through Jerry’s ear canal and into his brain. 

Jerry slaps the sides of his head in shock. The skin on his forehead opens up to reveal a third eye. The eye grows wide and searches its new world. Its focus lasers in on the ant corpse. An escalator protrudes from the eye, extending to the ant. A construction crew with halos descend on the escalator. Blood returns from the soil. Guts are scraped from the cake. Eyes are reinstalled. An ant is reconstructed. 

The construction crew surround the ant shell and perform a ritual. 



Strange brews. 



Ria: Hey, Jer.

Jerry the Monk: Yeah.

Ria: I think you’re trying too hard.

*** ** *** **

For table of contents or to start from the beginning of Unthinkable Cramps click here, right here and nowhere else.

Published by tony espino

a human. for now.

3 thoughts on “Unthinkable Cramps | Ria.Jerry the Monk

  1. The monk finally has his third eye opened. Brilliant. I like the way you’ve meshed together fun, madness, mind control, and enlightenment. I think the ant walks away a winner. Unless it’s come back without a soul. May have trouble fitting in. Wonderful story, Tony. 🙂

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