Unthinkable Cramps | Special Announcements!

Demon and apparition pickup! Don’t miss out. This Saturday only. And another Saturday a few months from now. But that’s it. Except for another Saturday at a randomly selected time to be announced randomly to allow you plenty of time to prepare. So make sure any unwanted demons, ghosts, poltergeists, angels or other spirits are placed at the curb no earlier than 7am Saturday and no later than 7:05am Saturday. Spirits spanning more than six dimensions will be ridiculed and left behind. Poltergeists must be bundled securely with a 3,000 year old hex. Any spirits affecting electronic devices or appliances must be interrogated by Detectives Murky and Sanchez before discarding. 

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We don’t like to point fingers, except for our own. But we think you did this. And, uh, yeah. That’s cool, man. We think it’s rad and all that you swapped one of our washing machines with something that just spits out money all day, but it like doesn’t wash anything. I guess we’re giving out money or something. We never went to business school. I mean I didn’t, but I think Lester rode some pretty gnarly waves near one once. If anyone knows anyone that wants to get this money off our hands and give us our washing machine back because we didn’t—I don’t think—okay we might’ve done this ourselves it turns out. There’s like a chance, a small chance we were a little high and had an idea. Sometimes these things happen when you open a laundromat/weed dispensary. If I remember correctly Lester said something about wanting a Twix bar. And then I wanted one. And we both wanted one. And then we got one and then we wanted all of the Twix bars. And Lester said something about how we need a lot of money to buy all the Twix in the world. So I probably said something cool about a machine that spits out money. But I don’t know if all that happened then or just now in my mind. Anyway, come get this money machine and also all these Twix bars. If you don’t see us, just look up because we’re probably really high. Sincerely, your dudes at Suds and Buds.

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It’s here! The Sour Lady of Thunder Festival all week long at St. Lucipher’s Church grounds. Come for the one-armed archery tournament and stay until the paramedics arrive. Plenty of food and fun for everyone so long as you supply it. A special beer garden for adults to grow their own beer or (if you’re a child who sneaks in) to grow your own beard. Whatever you do make sure you stay for the fireworks of this year’s battle of cats versus dogs. You won’t want to miss this epic showdown as the two compete for complete control of the afterworld. Cat men and dog ladies come out and show your support! Just know you’re doomed no matter what happens. They’ve lost their minds. Most of them are carrying switchblades. I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone, but they’re even slicking back their fur. These are dark times. And they’re about to get even darker. Live music! Did we tell you about the live music?

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For table of contents or to start from the beginning of Unthinkable Cramps click here, right here and nowhere else.

Published by tony espino

a human. for now.

4 thoughts on “Unthinkable Cramps | Special Announcements!

  1. Haha! Tony, this just keeps getting better and better.

    ‘If you don’t see us, just look up because we’re probably really high.’ – Love this line!

    A money machine and Twix bars. What else could someone want? I think anything else is too much expectation.
    And thanks for the Live music reminder. Makes things sound better (and saner).

    Great writing! 🙂

    1. Thank you! I didn’t even realize it but after I wrote this I definitely went and bought frozen Twix bars. It was like I subconsciously marketed to myself.

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