5 Tips for a Funeral You Won’t Forget
Sometimes it’s almost a total bummer walking into a room with a dead body. Everyone appears to be so reserved. But with a little effort you can be the life of the funeral. A star in the big lights of decaying corpses. That could be you: Mr. Outgoing. Yeah, I know you’re smiling. So, let’s see what really makes a funeral one to remember.
I can’t tell you how many funeral homes make the mistake of not serving alcohol. Like seriously? You want me to sit there and stare at a dead body and not get intoxicated? Seems a bit much for me. And I’m sure anyone who’s ever attended one of these mind-numbing services would agree. An open bar is practically a necessity if you want others to talk about your funeral for years to come. This lets everyone relax and share beer farts which help to ease the tension that death tends to bring. I’m no scientist, but I know whenever I see a lifeless corpse I’m always hoping someone will fart. Maybe it will be you.
You think the Grateful Dead would have ever gotten anywhere if they didn’t have cool t-shirts? Listen, these funerals nowadays are no different than a rock concert. There’s lots of drugs, moshing, and saggy titties. But more importantly there’s custom made t-shirts. Stop for a minute and just think about how rude and ignorant it would be to not show up in a self-designed t-shirt that shows your love and affection for the deceased. I mean you’re not a total asshole are you? Wearing a suit is like saying, “Yeah, I didn’t put any originality into this costume.” That’s loser thinking. You’re a winner and you need to dress like one. You wear amazing shirts in respect of the dead. While all your friends and family are dressed like they’re on a shoot for GQ magazine, you’ll be the only respectful with your, ‘I survived Uncle Ralphie’s funeral 2011’ shirt. Anyone with half a brain will realize that this shirt is god-worthy and deserves to be encrusted with a heart of gold.
Applying Your Own Makeup to the Corpse
I know this one seems like common sense, but trust me it’s not. Contrary to what most folks think, not all dead bodies look good, let alone sexy. Just leaving the body the way it appears is okay if you’re, I don’t know, a jerkoff. Whoever did the makeup only knew what the person looked like dead. They can only guess what they would look like if they had a soul. But you. You know their true potential. You know how good they can really look. Don’t be bashful, pull out your rouge and eye shadow and get busy. Don’t think for one second you’ll be offending somebody cause let’s face it, what’s more offensive than mediocrity? Also, if you happen to apply too much lipstick, don’t waste it by dabbing it with a napkin. Dab it with your own lips. Don’t worry you’re not being a dick, makeup’s expensive. The end result should appear to resemble something between Dracula and a dead face you tried to put makeup on.
A funeral without a photo booth is like a movie theater without a movie screen. I’m not going to watch Bad Boys 3 on the wall. And I’m certainly not going to rely on some disposable camera to catch my adorable mug when I’m dressed to impress the dead. You spent all that time making yourself not look like the person lying in the casket, so embrace that and make sure your funeral has a state-of-the-art photo booth. Sometimes they like to include these photo booths all along the boardwalk to capture you at your sweatiest and smelliest. But clearly their marketing is shit. That’s where you come in. It’s up to you to bring the life back to the funeral and a photo booth gets everyone in the mood to smile. What’s cuter than going to a funeral service and coming home with a strip of photos of your girlfriend giving you a faux blowjob? Probably nothing. And multiply that by everyone who comes to pay their respects and that’s a fucking cute funeral.
Addressing the Speaker
Oh how important it is to communicate. The reason so many funerals, just like relationships, fail. A lot of people like to go up there and tell you what they miss about this person or how they were inspired by them. Because of this you might give them the finger a little bit under the pew. But, you aren’t really helping anybody. When someone is delivering the eulogy and they begin to get choked up, it’s up to you to stand up and yell, “Cut!”. This brings the attention to you, which you want, in order to deliver your next line: “Did you even bother reading the script?” This lets everyone know you’re an asshole and maybe a director. Obviously this person didn’t inspire them to give exciting speeches with dinosaurs and flying saucers, so that’s where you need to step in once again. You let them know their “shit” is weak and to be more interesting or else they risk losing everyone’s attention. Once you’ve done this, you’ll totally get your dick sucked big time. Every funeral needs someone who isn’t afraid to take control of the room, otherwise it’s just another dull night at the funeral home.