Leaving Here

TONY ESPINO LEAVING HERE ORIGINAL DATE 7/22/15

INT. BEDROOM – DAY

ELROY is packing a suitcase and arguing with SHEILA.

SHEILA
I can’t believe you’re leaving me.

ELROY
I’m sorry, Sheila. I’m just
following my passion.

SHEILA
By joining a rescue squad?

ELROY
It’s not just any rescue squad. I
wouldn’t leave you for just any
rescue squad. It’s a rescue squad
for dicks.

SHEILA
You just going to rescue yourself
all day?

ELROY
It’s for endangered dicks, Sheila.
I thought if anyone would
understand, it would be you!

SHEILA
You never told me you had such a
passion for dick saving.

ELROY
Sometimes when you’re sleeping, I
wake up. And I stare for hours in
the night sky thinking of all those
penises in peril.

SHEILA
You mean you don’t watch me sleep
and think about how cute I am?

ELROY
Dicks, Sheila. Midnight dicks. Two
a.m. dicks. 3:32 in the morning
dicks.

SHEILA
But I’m so cute when I’m sleeping.

ELROY
Breakfast dicks. Ride to work
dicks. Water cooler dicks.

SHEILA
But you can still love me and save
dicks at the same time. I won’t
mind.

ELROY
But you will mind. When I come home
and my hands are dirty from saving
dicks all day. You won’t want to be
with me.

SHEILA
Don’t tell me what my heart wants,
Elroy. Just tell me you love me.

ELROY
I do love you. But I’m IN love with
saving dicks.

SHEILA
(gasps)
My heart is breaking, Elroy.

ELROY
I wish I could fix it, but I must
go.

SHEILA
Oh! If only my heart were a bushel
of dicks! You would save them.

ELROY
If they were tied to the train
tracks then maybe, Sheila. Maybe.

SHEILA
Hey! Before you go. If I ever grow a dick–

ELROY
Shh. Don’t talk like that. WHEN you
grow a dick.

BLACKOUT.